AggressiveCoconut asks - Hey Chris. I’m 28, nerdy, and feel time flying by faster. I’m at the place in my life where I always seem like the odd man out, and never really fit in with any community or “social click”. Like I should have been born 4 years later or earlier. Even people that have the same interests, see me as not having anything in common with them or as an outcast. Wondering if you ever went through this. I Am I that mediocre to people? Is this just how it gets getting older, or is most of it in my head?

I have been there. By the time I was 19 years old, I felt very much like a wandering soul with a lot of inner doubt. I couldn’t find my community and I couldn’t find peace. I also couldn’t find reasons to like myself. I suffered these questions - your phrasing of it as being mediocre strikes a chord.

I got really lucky. I found the UCB Theater when I was 19 and for the first time found a community of people that seemed like me. Not everyone had the same goals, not everyone had the same pursuits, but everyone was a creative person who had a feeling that there was a reason to be doing what they were doing. I spent so much time early in life doing things that no one else was interested in. Things that were dead ends. I had dreams that were unattainable and even dreaming them felt silly and embarrassing.

I’m sorry you’re going through that self-questioning. I know it sucks. And you’re older than I was when I got lucky and found my way out of it. Here’s what I can say, with certainty, because I am one of those people and I am someone who gets contacted by a lot of those people and I know I got lucky but not everyone found a community the same way I did. I think I see all sides of the coin on this one and I’ll say -

You’re not mediocre. And you’re not broken. And hope hasn’t gone away, not permanently. There are endless amounts of people scattered throughout this world, and a lot of them spend as much time feeling on their own as you do. One of the hardest parts of being prone to feelings of loneliness and isolation is that you don’t realize how many other people suffer feelings of loneliness and isolation. By the numbers, when you’re feeling alone you’re amongst a very large number of people who feel alone. Feeling unpopular is very popular. The others like you are around, even if their own self-doubt makes them hidden and hard to find. They’re out there. We’re out here. I’m out here. You are not alone.

And I will say this - your ability to break this stretch of feeling isolated, of feeling lost starts with you. Don’t accept that you have no where to go and no one to be with. Fight. Find your tribe. Don’t be convinced when the world tells you you’re an oddball and different and that is wrong. Understand that you might just be an oddball and different and that’s fine.

You’re allowed to be you. People are allowed to react to that. And you’re allowed to not take their opinions into account when you sit down and gauge your own feelings about yourself. Your instincts tell you to be who you are, to feel how you feel, to be interested in the things you’re interested in. That’s not wrong. Your parts were not assembled incorrectly. 

Maybe you’ll never find your social clique. Maybe the people with similar interests will never completely integrate you into their social scene. It doesn’t mean you’re bad, lesser, or damaged. It means you’re you.

Retain faith in the knowledge that there are other people out there who think and feel and hurt in the same ways you do. And if you let the opinions or reactions of others shake your confidence to the point where your head hangs low, you might miss those people when they pass through your life. Look up. Find them. They’re out there.

You might find them. You also might not. But either way they exist. You do have people. They’re the other people who don’t have people. That’s your tribe. The other weak, sick, lame animals who got sent to the edge of the pack for the predators to get first. We become our own pack.

Feel better,

CG

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Anonymous asks: When I get nervous or just like a new person I tend to say something mean to diffuse the tension. Like I usually call them a creep and/or make fun of them in some way. Besides “grow up” and “stop being an asshole” — believe me, I’m trying — what can I do? Is there any way to repair a first impression? It kind of kills me to think I’ve hurt someone’s feelings or even just annoyed them when I honestly think they’re cool and really nice and perfect as they are.

Well, as you mentioned, “grow up” and “stop being an asshole” are definitely applicable here, but it sounds like you’re on top of those so I won’t highlight them further.

What I will say is this - insecurity guides this behavior. You’re nervous these people won’t like you as much as you like them, so you’re holding them at arm’s length. It’s a natural reaction to the fear of rejection, to the pain of your appreciation for a person not being reciprocated. If you can hurt someone first, they might not get the chance to hurt you.

Here’s what I’ve learned about insecurity - there are always going to be things I’m insecure about, so I’ve just got to own them and move on.

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Anonymous asks: Could you make an eight song playlist that describes your life up to this point?

No, but I can make a ten song playlist that describes my life up to this point. I tried to go chronological too – starting out in Jersey with a lot of hope in myself, getting progressively angrier, discovering that the anger was rooted in fear and loneliness, coming to grips with the fact that I did not have a stable grasp on my mind, realizing that dreams that feel like they’re slipping away lead me to NYC, having some dreams die and realizing that it wasn’t that disappointing, realizing I needed to have more fun while I still had the potential to have fun, and ultimately becoming someone who has a lot of optimism and confidence in the world even though I don’t often enough pass that optimism on to myself. 

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MarcellaRiley asks - What do you do when you get super stressed out? 

I generally get out of bed, go about my day, eat some food during the process, then go back to bed. Stress is such a normal and unfortunate part of my daily life that I’ve realized I need to exist in spite of it and I can’t let it slow me down too often or else it will dictate how I live. I’m not willing to have life dictated to me by my stresses and paranoias. So I recognize them for what they and force myself to complete tasks and accomplish goals regardless of the fact that those things are there.

Easier said then done, but that’s my answer!

When stress gets to be a mounting problem and is legitimately stopping me from going about my day, I try to break my stress by breaking my routine. This is one thing my shrink taught me in our very early days together that’s always served me well. The simplest trick she gave me was this -

- When walking to someplace familiar, like your office, house, the deli you go to, whatever - take a slightly different route than you have before. Walk down a block you usually don’t, circle around it, go the long way. And look around and remember that you aren’t stuck in your routine, you aren’t bound to the mindless back and forth, the pressures weighing down on you aren’t the totality of your world. There’s new things waiting out there for you. New small things, new big things. But new things, always. And if you take the time to see the new small things, you remind yourself that the new big things are possible and achievable, and you can maybe release some of your stress and pressure by at least reminding yourself that the routine you’re caught in now, the stresses you’ve incurred, are a small piece of your world and your story and that when they go away - either by you successfully pushing them away or by their natural dissipation - a whole world of experience is sitting there for the taking.

Good luck! Hope that helped -

CG

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TheyAskedAboutYou asks - You’re lookin’ cute these days, Gethard. Does someone ”style” you for your sxsw vidéos?

Thank you for saying I’ve been looking cute.

No one styled me. Those are all items from my personal wardrobe. In the past year I’ve been introduced to the J Crew slim cut men’s line and to say it’s been revelatory would be an understatement. Finding clothes that actually fit me well has lead to a lot of confidence and happiness. Possessions mean very little to me. Image means very little to me. I don’t think clothes make the man. I do think I’m a person who historically has bouts of low self-confidence, and finding a clothing line that fits me right and putting some care into choosing clothes I feel confident in does help take away some anxieties I usually have when walking out the door.

I think there are versions of that for a lot of us out there. Putting effort into one’s confidence, to one’s health, to one’s mental care, to one’s career, working to find ways to be happier, to be more at peace, to have less anxieties - I think these are things that should be encouraged and applauded. For some people that’s working out, or getting a new haircut, or going to a shrink for the first time, or volunteering at a charitable organization, or redefining career goals. Self-improvement in an honest way not influenced by the pressures of others is a rewarding and relaxing process. 

At least that’s what I think. Anyway, thank you. I don’t think of myself as a very attractive person a lot of the time.

- CG

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Anonymous asks: You’ve had some people ask you for mental health advice before. Does this kind of thing ever bother you or make you feel more depressed? I think it would get to me.

It does get to me. For a few reasons. One is the obvious: you hear about other peoples’ pain enough, and you start to take on their pain. It’s very hard to hear from people who are suffering and knowing that there’s only so much I can do beyond just encouraging someone to keep their chin up and find the help they need to be happy. I get so many messages about this stuff – so many, in fact, that I can’t keep up with answering them all. At first that scared me – was it irresponsible to answer some of these but not others? Then I realized that if I really tried to pour my heart into answering every single one of these, it would dominate my time, life, thoughts, and personal happiness. So I try my best to cycle through them and answer them all over time, but for the exact reason you said above, I have to be careful and mindful of my own mental health in the course of doing so.

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Anonymous asks:Hi Chris. This is a very personal question, and I understand if you’d prefer not to answer it. You’ve been very open about your mental health issues, but can you speak more specifically about the medication you take? A lot of people are scared or reluctant to go on medication for a variety of reasons. How has it helped you? I understand you’re not a doctor and this isn’t actual medical advice. Do you feel dependent on the medicine? Are you still really “you” when you’re taking it?

I am happy to answer these questions. I will explain why I’m happy to answer them after I answer them.

First thing every morning, I take 150 milligrams of Weullbutrin XL. Although actually, I take Bupropion, which is the generic version of Wellbutrin XL. My understanding as per my diagnosis is that Wellbutrin is that it is a straight up anti-depressant in the sense of how we all think of them. I also take 50 milligrams of Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer. I find it very effective. My mood swings really got under control for the first time when I was put on Lamictal. I also take 50 milligrams of it before bed each night.

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Look, you gotta do what’s right and let that person go. It won’t be easy and won’t feel good, but if you really think it’s not right for you, and if things are past the point where you can just be in it for fun and need to be serious, you need to do that person a favor and let them back into the world so they can have as much time as possible to find that person who is their match and is someone they can settle down with. Do yourself that favor too, but keep in mind as long as you have these feelings and this basic opinion of your relationship internally held, the more time you’re taking from your current partner without them even knowing it. At least you know the terms you’re working on. He doesn’t even know the playing field right now and you gotta give him that.

Sorry the show was part of that realization, but hopefully it leads to you getting honest with your partner, hashing out exactly how you feel, and seeing if his reaction surprises you. Maybe it will lead to some re-investment on both parts. Maybe you’ll both feel good about moving on. Maybe it will be a heartbreaking stretch of your life. But tell him about it -telling me anonymously is one thing, dealing with this one in real life is highly recommended though. 

I hope you agree, and sorry the happiness present on the show helped spur this on -

CG

I asked Dru about this. Here was his answer:

“Who are you?”

I hope this helps!

- Geth